The Bitter Kiss of the Moon
by Andromeda1
Summary: In his fifth year, Remus Lupin has found a girl. Can he bring himself to reveal his dark secret to her? As Remus struggles, the marauders have their first willow escapade. He may be forced to choose between living a lie and losing his love.
1. Night of the Kiss

****

Chapter 1: Night of the Kiss

__

Author's Note: I found this story that I wrote several years ago. I don't think it's my best, but it is one of the few I actually finished, so I decided to post it. Have fun. –Andromeda

***

"Where are _you _off too at this hour?" James looked up curiously from a chair where he sat reading a copy of _Advanced Transfiguration. _

Remus was standing in front of the mirror brushing off his robes and desperately trying to fix his hair. He looked over at James and smirked.

"Remus's got a _date!_" Exclaimed Sirius, looking up and laughing. "Haven't you?" 

Remus rolled his eyes at him. "Oh, what's it to you if I do?" 

Sirius was still laughing. "Who is it?"

"None of your—"

"WHO?"

"I said—"

"Tell me!"

"No!"

"Who is it?"

"I won't—"

"Come on!"

"No!"

"For God's sake, Moony—"

"Fine!" Remus exclaimed, startlingly exasperated. "Caia Grass."

Sirius burst out laughing like a maniac, and Peter, who was sitting in the corner with a large star chart on his lap, was biting his lip to keep from laughing. 

Remus was looking irritably at them both. "I don't see what's so funny." 

"Well, I mean…she's a…er…" Sirius said, still snickering.

"Hufflepuff!" Peter exclaimed, and they both collapsed into roars laughter. 

Remus dropped himself into a chair, blushing furiously.

James rolled his eyes at them. "Oh, shut up Sirius, it's not like _you_ would ever have so much as half a chance with someone as classy as Caia Grass." 

Sirius immediately straightened up and stopped laughing. "You're right James, I was being very immature," he said stiffly. He looked at Peter, who snorted, and they both started up again. James chucked a pillow at Peter's head. 

Sirius wiped his eyes, his laughter beginning to cease. "No, but seriously, Remus, good for you," he teased.

Remus gave a very sarcastic smile and rolled his eyes. 

James closed his book and grinned. "How long have you been seeing her?"

He looked up and licked his lips. "Er…three weeks?"

Sirius stared at Remus incredulously. "Three _weeks?_"

"Yes, that's right…"

"And you didn't tell _us?_" 

"So?"

"Oh, big deal, _Padfoot_, it's not like we ever asked." James said, twiddling his wand between his fingers in a bored fashion. He raised an eyebrow at Remus.

Remus seemed to know what James was going to ask, for he shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

"Does she know?"

"Well…I…" He bit his lip. "No."

"It's been three weeks and she doesn't know? She's going to find out somehow, you know, that, surely?" James said.

"I know. It's just that—things have been going so _well! _I don't want to ruin this." It had taken him five years of Hogwarts to get a girlfriend. He didn't want to screw this up. 

"But—"

"I don't care. I have to go." Remus said, quickly pulling on his cloak. 

"Have fun."

Remus walked out of the dormitory and shut the door behind him. 

He hurried down the hall, his hands jammed deep into the pockets of his cloak, his head full of the words that James had just said. 

Remus was heading for the astronomy tower, where he and Caia were going to meet. He climbed the winding spiral staircase, but he had little time to think, for he when he opened the door, there she was, leaning over the side of the balcony.

Remus was, not for the first time, taken by her beauty. Her emerald robes sparkled and a large golden clip held up her red-brown hair. She didn't seem to notice he was there. He sneaked up behind her and put his hands over her eyes.

"Guess who," he whispered.

Caia pulled his hands off of her eyes and turned around at Remus. Her thin, dark scarlet oval glasses twinkled in the moonlight. They hugged each other tightly.

"You're late," she said, smiling. 

"I know. I'm sorry."

"I forgive you," she laughed. They both looked up at the velvet night sky from the tower. 

"Isn't it beautiful?" Said Caia. "This night is so perfect. I'm so glad I'm spending it with you."

Joy surged through Remus's heart. He put an arm around her shoulder. "So am I."

"Oh, look, the moon is nearly full. Too bad it isn't, that would be so lovely."

Though it must have been forty degrees outside, Remus began to sweat. He gave a nervous shudder.

"Is something wrong, Remus?" She asked, peering at him. Her eyes were full of tender concern. 

"Er…no, everything's fine. It's just, I…I have to go visit my mother tomorrow. I've found out she's ill..."

__

Brilliant, Remus thought sarcastically. _Mention it right when you're talking about the moon. _

"Oh, I'm so sorry. Anything I can do?"

"No! I mean, no, thanks anyway. It shouldn't be more than a few days." Horrified, Remus kicked himself inside.

"All right."

They sat down on a bench at the top of the tower, gazing at the stars for what seemed like an eternity. Caia laid her head on Remus's shoulder and he stroked her hair quietly.

__

You don't have to know.

Remus reached for Caia's hand and they held each other close. He noticed she had her eyes closed, but he knew she wasn't asleep. 

"Cold?" He asked softly. She opened her eyes and smiled at him.

"Never with you."

Remus took off his cloak and wrapped it around Caia, still resting on his shoulder. Remus glanced at her, smiling, and then up at the waxing moon. He looked out onto the grounds at the distant Whomping Willow. He suddenly didn't feel as warm. Caia seemed to notice, for she opened her eyes and took her head off his shoulder.

"Are you sure everything is okay?" She asked, looking him in the eyes.

Remus lowered his eyes. He hated to lie to her. 

"Yes. Absolutely. What makes you ask?"

"You just seem…well, incomplete. Like something is missing…you're not yourself." Caia said sadly. 

Remus was staring at her, looking alarmed and crestfallen at the same time. "No, really. Nothing is wrong."

Caia shrugged. "I'm just saying that if there was, you know you could tell me, right?"

Remus wanted to hug her and tell her everything. He didn't want to have to lie. He hated making her wonder. But he had to. 

"I know." He gave a hideously fake grin of assurance. _I hate this. _Remus looked at his watch. "Oh, it's nearly midnight. We really should be getting back, I suppose."

Caia sighed. "I suppose."

They stood up and Caia handed Remus back his cloak. They hugged each other tightly one last time. 

"I'm sorry about your mother. I hope she is feeling better soon. Send her my best regards," Caia said.

"What? Oh, oh yes…thank you, I will."

They started back toward their common rooms, but had to split at one corridor. They both stopped and glanced at each other.

"Well, good night," said Remus quietly.

"Good night." 

Caia looked up at him and averted her eyes down. She wrung her hands in front of her nervously; expectantly. She looked up at him again. Remus marveled at how perfect and beautiful her misty grey eyes were. He looked into them and gave a small smile. 

Moving toward her cautiously and stealthily, without realizing what he was doing, he bent his head low until their faces were an inch apart. Caia closed her eyes, and as their lips touched, Remus felt nothing could ever be wrong in the world. 

As they pulled apart, Remus still had his eyes closed and lips slightly parted. He opened his eyes slowly and gazed into hers. He could feel himself blushing. They both stood for a moment in astonishment, and then hurried off in opposite directions. 

His first kiss!


	2. Night of Fear

****

Chapter 2

The Fat Lady yawned. "What are you doing out at this time of night?" She asked, obviously annoyed.

"Coniuratio." Remus mumbled. The Fat Lady sighed and swung open. Remus swept passed the deserted common room and climbed up the stairs to his dormitory. He swung the door open, and to his surprise, Sirius was still awake on his bed doing homework, a small light on over piles of books. James and Peter were asleep. 

"Hey, how'd it go?" Sirius whispered.

Remus gawked at him. "What are you doing up?"

Sirius stared at the heap of parchment and books scattered around him. He sighed. "Charms, I guess. Probably shouldn't leave everything 'til Sunday anymore, eh?"

Remus laughed softly. "Right."

"So?"

"What's to tell? After all, she's just a stupid _Hufflepuff_ girl." Remus was glaring at Sirius, having not fully forgiven him for laughing at him. 

"Hey, look, I'm sorry, all right? Forgive me?"

Remus looked at the ceiling. "Yeah, sure. Okay, so we went up to the astronomy tower, we looked at the stars, we talked. There weren't any other details that I'm depriving you of." He smiled inside. He was hardly about to share that kiss with _Sirius. _

Sirius gave a low laugh. "All right, all right." He lowered his voice even more. "So what are we doing for tomorrow night?"

Remus sat down next to Sirius. 

"I don't know. Are you sure you want to do this? I mean, it'll be really dangerous and all…" 

"Hey, you know me, I wouldn't miss this just because it's _against school rules_," Sirius said, grinning.

"I know you are accustomed to getting in trouble, but this is different. You won't just get a detention if they find out—if you're caught—"

"Look, you need to chill out. We're going, and nothing you say is going to stop us," Sirius said finally. 

James peered out from behind his curtain. "Sirius, for Pete's sake, go to—oh, hey, Moony," he whispered, yawning and putting on his glasses. "Just get back?"

"Yes."

"All right, we can talk in the morning, let's get some _sleep_," Sirius suggested, stacking up his books.

"That's the best idea you've had all day," Remus declared. And with that, they each climbed into their own beds, and Remus drifted off into uneasy sleep. 

******

Remus bolted upright and smashed his head hard on his bedpost. He was sweating and breathing hard, his heat beating a hundred miles an hour. He looked around, closed his eyes, and tried to calm himself down. 

__

It was only a dream. 

But he noticed that he had a few tears in his eyes. He wiped them desperately away, confused.

"Remus?"

Remus looked up. "James?"

"Yeah. Are you okay?"

"Ah…" Remus was wiping sweat frantically from his forehead. "Ah…yeah…"

"I heard a crash."

"I know. I hit my head." Remus pulled back his curtain to see James peering out from behind his own from across the dormitory. 

"What happened?"

"I had a dream…"

"Oh."

There was a pause. 

"Going to tell me?" James asked.

Remus stared at him. He ran a hand through his hair and paused. "Ah…yeah, sure…okay."

He and James went down into the deserted common room where the fire was still burning quite low in the hearth. They sat down in two armchairs and James stared at him.

"Are you sure you're going to be up for tomorrow?" Asked James, looking concerned. "You don't look so hot."

"As if I have a choice," he spat, but instantly regretting it. He settled back into the chair. "Sorry." 

James smirked. "That's okay."

There was another pause.

"How was your date?" James inquired, trying to make desperate conversation.

"Oh. Great. We had a great time."

"That's good."

James threw a piece of balled up parchment into the dying fire. "You know, Remus, I'm almost afraid to ask this, but…what was your dream about? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." He added hastily.

Remus paused. He gritted his teeth. "I bit her," he said finally.

"What?" 

"I dreamt that I bit Caia. All four of us were there, and then we came across her, and I attacked her. And I bit her. She ran off…screaming, 'I hate you, Remus! Look what you've done!' and then she called me a liar…and we all got expelled…and we had to go to Azkaban…I mean, I know it's entirely foolish, and all…"

Remus avoided James's eyes. 

"Listen, trust me on this one, okay? That's not going to happen," James said with certainty. He gave a slight laugh. 

"I know that."

The fire crackled and Remus sighed. 

"I just hate lying all the time."

James didn't know what to say to this. "Look, why don't we go to bed? It's four o'clock in the morning, and we can still get in a few good hours. I think we're going to need them for tonight."

Remus gave a shudder. "I know. All right."

And with that James and Remus returned to their dormitory. 


	3. Night of Terror

****

Chapter 3

"That's brilliant, James!" Sirius exclaimed at the beginning of dinner the next day as James was running over the plan to him in a low voice. 

"What's brilliant, Black?" Said a drawling voice. 

"Not you, that's for sure, Snape."

James, Remus and Peter burst out laughing. 

Snape rolled his eyes. "Oh, _hilarious, _Black. You're getting to be a real _comic_, you know. But I don't know how much use that will be in _Azkaban._"

"Aw, go wash your hair," Sirius mocked.

"I don't have time for this today," Snape grumbled, face reddening. "Oh, and Lupin, this is for you." Snape spat hard into Remus's bowl of soup and stormed off. 

Remus's face underwent no change, although he clenched his fists. 

James glared at Snape's retreating back. It was bad enough that Snape was annoying most of the day, but he tended to concentrate on Remus a lot for some reason, and this was the last thing he needed on this night, of all nights. Lily, who was sitting next to James, whispered, "Don't do anything stupid." 

"What the hell was that for?" Sirius demanded. Peter glanced at Remus and quickly switched bowls of soup with him. 

But Remus still sat rigid in his chair, not eating or moving. 

"Moony?" Asked Sirius.

Remus glanced at the clock and bolted up from his chair. "I should go. I'm not hungry."

"You really should—"

"I'm fine. See you."

He stormed out of the Great Hall. 

Remus waited in the empty hospital wing, sitting quietly on the end of one of the beds as Madam Pomfrey bustled around for a few minutes. She took his temperature, his pulse, and his blood pressure, measured his height, weight, and tested his reflexes. He couldn't see why any of this was necessary. But he supposed she just needed it for the records. 

"All right, dear, you seem in tip-top shape to me," she said as she looked inside his ears. "Did you have enough to eat?"

"I'll be fine."

Madam Pomfrey sighed. "Okay then, dear." She looked up at the clock on the wall. "We should go. Here, keep you warm." She handed Remus an old blanket from the closet. 

Remus gave a sideways grin. "Will you be wanting this back?"

Madam Pomfrey even smiled. "No, you can grind it to shreds for all I care. Just take care of _yourself._" 

They began to walk out toward the Whomping Willow. As they made their way down through the tunnel up to the shack, Madam Pomfrey was saying:

"Now, we're a bit early, you'll have about fifteen minutes or so to yourself."

Remus nodded. He had planned it this way. He opened the door to the shack as he had done so many times before but never fully gotten used to it. 

"Okay, dear," Madam Pomfrey said as he sat down in an old chair. "Take care of yourself, you hear?" 

"Yes."

Madam Pomfrey smiled at him and left the room, leaving Remus alone. But not five minutes had passed before he heard someone pounding on the door.

He opened it to see James, Sirius, and Peter appear from under the invisibility cloak. Remus gaped at them. 

"You're…you're not supposed to be here yet!"

"Well, we're early. Sue us." Said Sirius, plopping himself onto an old stool.

"Fine."

The four sat down in miscellaneous places. 

"Are you sure you want to do this? You don't have to, really, I'll take no offense if you turn around right now and leave." Remus pleaded once more, fearing for the safety of his friends. 

No one responded, and he didn't expect them to. 

Even Sirius was looking serious as he gazed dismally at the floor.

Remus was shaking. The three looked at him apprehensively, but he just smiled.

"I'm all right."

But Remus suddenly shivered brutally, felt a blinding snap of pain in his back, and went rigid, landing face down on the floor and covering his eyes. The three jumped up. 

He couldn't think. Remus gasped for air, feeling another flash of burning hot pain through his entire body.

Peter transformed immediately. Sirius grabbed James, who looked frozen with shock, around the wrist, and dragged him backward. 

"Transform!" Sirius said, but James didn't move. Wanting to make sure that everyone was safe before he transformed himself, Sirius bellowed, "DO IT NOW!" James jumped, stared at Sirius, raised up his wand, and in a flash became an enormous stag. 

Remus began to shake uncontrollably, as he felt hair sprouting on his face. He felt like his entire body was being ripped apart and then sawed apart. And then burned.

Remus screamed, a horrifying, sobbing scream, his human voice still intact for a few seconds. But it slowly turned into a deep howl. 

And then the pain was gone.

The werewolf raced around the room, smashing furniture, pounding walls. Remus was only for a second dimly aware of what was going on. He saw the great black dog and the stag bounding toward him, but he had no idea what he was doing. The werewolf's instincts had taken control of his entire mind and body. He knew he ran for hours, because his legs ached. He knew he fought with something, because he had blood on his face. But he also knew that he had—well, had a bit of _fun. _And at least he hadn't harmed himself. 

The next thing he remembered was waking up lying on the floor, barely conscious, his eyes half-open. He heard the whispers around him but they made little sense.

__

Is he dead?

No, he's still breathing.

That was the scariest thing!

Shut up, Peter.

We should put him on the bed.

We can't just leave him here!

We have to!

Okay, let's go.

Remus felt himself being lifted up, but his mind was still too numb to make sense of anything. But it was the sound of the door shutting that snapped him to his senses. 

"Wait!" He called out hoarsely, still unable to focus his eyes.

It hurt for him to yell. Each time he said a word, a jet of burning pain seared through his throat, stomach, and lungs. 

The door opened again slowly. Sirius, James and Peter reappeared. 

__

He's awake.

Be quiet!

James sat down at the end of the four-poster that Remus was lying on. Remus started to cough, rolled over under the torn blanket, and vomited onto the floor, his head pounding and his leg throbbing.

Remus had stopped retching and was coughing hard into his torn pillow. The three of them looked at each other for a moment, startled. Peter just looked scared. Sirius was staring at the wall.

Suddenly there was the sound of footsteps echoing up the stairs.

"She's coming!" Peter hissed. The three ran into a corner and threw the invisibility cloak over them.

Madam Pomfrey opened the door and saw Remus lying there on the bed. She looked at him shaking her head.

"Come now, dear, you're all right…that's a good lad." She magicked him onto a stretcher that floated through the air and back into the hospital wing. 


	4. Lies

****

Chapter 4

"Do you think it's like that every month?" Peter asked as they headed down to the hospital wing, dreary eyed, after breakfast that morning. None of them had gotten any sleep the previous night. 

"I hope not," Said Sirius mid-yawn. 

James, Sirius, Peter, and Lily, too, were all heading down toward the hospital wing. They knocked on the door and Madam Pomfrey appeared in front of them. 

"What do you want?" She asked, in a seemingly very bad mood. 

Sirius glanced dubiously at her. "What d'you think—" he began, but James elbowed him in the stomach.

"We want to see Remus," James took over. 

Madam Pomfrey raised an eyebrow at them.

"What, he's sick, right?" Sirius said through another yawn.

Madam Pomfrey sighed and rolled her eyes, muttering "I don't have time for this."

"All right, come in, but you get ten minutes, that's _all,_" She said sternly. 

Remus was in his own closed off section of the hospital wing. He was lying down, but he wasn't asleep. As James, Sirius, Peter, and Lily sat down in chairs, Remus pulled himself up into a sitting position.

"Hi guys," he said. He looked almost worse than he had earlier that day. His face was disturbingly pale, he had a cut down the left side of his face, and his eyes had dark shadows beneath them. He was still shivering, even though the room was almost unbearably steaming. 

"Hey Remus. Ah…how're you feeling?" asked James tentatively. 

"Not too terrible at the moment, actually," Remus commented, and he was actually smiling, though weakly. "I've just got a bad fever."

Sirius raised and eyebrow at him, but Remus gestured toward Lily, and he nodded. 

But Lily smiled at him. "Remus, really, you don't need to lie."

Remus smiled and lied smoothly for the first time in years. "Lie? What are you talking about, Lily?"

"I know these clowns all know what's up." She gestured at James, Peter and Sirius. "And you don't need to pretend because I already know."

Remus shivered slightly and he laughed uncomfortably. "Oh…I don't know which one of these guys told you anything…because I know that none of them would _ever _tell you _anything _I told them not to. Isn't that right?" Remus was glaring at James most of all.

"It's all right, James didn't tell me, I figured it out for myself," Lily explained. Remus was sitting straight up rigid in his seat, smiling again, though with a weaker expression. 

"What did you figure out?"

Lily was looking at him apprehensively. "I know what you are, Remus, and to be perfectly honest, I don't have a problem with it," She said in a low voice.

Remus flinched slightly. "With what? I don't understand, Lily, what are you talking about?" 

"About being a…werewolf?" She peered at him with a quizzical look in her eyes.

Remus smiled unnaturally. "Lily, I'm afraid you're very misinformed! A werewolf? Me? The very idea is laughable."

"Then why aren't you laughing?" Lily asked with a penetrating stare.

Remus began to laugh slightly, though he knew he was far behind his cue. He stopped abruptly, not knowing what to do, glancing around at his friends for help. Sirius shrugged at him. 

James grabbed Lily's hand and took her outside of the sectioned off area.

"How did you find out?" He asked in a low voice. 

"So it's true then, is it?"

James sighed. "Yes. How did you find out?" He asked again.

"Oh it was very easy. Judging by the times of the month he was gone, the boggart, even your nicknames—I pieced it together," Lily explained, frowning. "Should I not have said anything?"

James sighed. "No, it's all right. It's just—he doesn't like to discuss it. It took us a good six months to get him to not freak out when we mentioned it. So just…" he groped for the right word.

Lily nodded and kissed James on the cheek. "You're so good to your friends."

Meanwhile, Remus was having a nervous breakdown. 

"How did she—which one of you told her? Was it you?" He said frantically, looking at Sirius. 

"What? Of course not!"

"Right. Sorry. But this could go either way—if Lily knows, then she might not like James any more, and then James would hate me for causing Lily to hate him…or Lily might make James not be friends with me anymore, but that's unlikely, or—"

Sirius was staring at Remus with his mouth open. "Chill out, will you?! Didn't you listen? She _doesn't care! _Really!"

Remus had his forehead in his hand. "I guess you're right."

Lily and James returned and James sat down. Lily remained standing. She looked almost ready to cry.

"I'm sorry, Remus," she said, sitting down on the end of his bed, and she threw her arms around his neck. 

"No," Remus said as he hugged her, "I am.." Lily let go of him and Remus gave a small smile. She wiped her eyes.

"I should be going. Take care of yourselves."

With that she left the hospital wing.

Sirius slapped a hand on Remus's shoulder. "Well, that went well," he said in an unusually cheerful tone. Remus winced under Sirius's hand. 

Sirius glanced at him. "Sorry. Okay?"

Remus rubbed his hurt shoulder. "Yeah, fine."

"We better be going," James said, "before Madam Pomfrey throws us out."

"Plus we've got Potions next," Peter pointed out, and Sirius looked at his watch.

"Yeah, and we're going to be late. We'll come back and see you later, okay?" Sirius added. Remus nodded.

"Bye," said James and Peter at the same time, and the three of them crossed the hospital wing. 

Sirius gave a snort of laughter and James stopped in his tracks. Across the hospital wing was Caia Grass, draining a goblet of some green potion next to Madam Pomfrey, who was taking her temperature. 

She looked over at them. "Hi," she said cheerfully.

"Caia! Ah…hi! What are you doing here?" James said quickly. 

"Just got a killer headache. It's probably from that Charms quiz I've been studying for all night." She grinned at them. 

Madam Pomfrey stood up. "That should rid it, dear, you can be on your way," she said.

Caia walked out of the hospital wing with James, Peter, and Sirius. "So what were you three doing in there?"

"Just paying a visit to Re—" Peter began but Sirius threw a hand over his mouth.

"Pardon?"

"Nothing."

"What?"

"Yeah…headache."

Caia shrugged. "I don't like it when people lie to me. I am pretty sure that Remus has been lying to me too. He told me that his mother was ill this weekend and that he needed to go visit her, but I sent his mother a get well letter and she said that she wasn't ill and that he was still in school. Any idea what that's about?"

"Er…nope," said Peter.

"No clue," Sirius replied. 

Caia smiled wryly. "I know you're lying, but that's okay, because you're just trying to cover for him. But I'm going to find out what's going on." She lowered he voice, looking worried. "Is he seeing anyone else?"

"No," James blurted out.

"Fine." She didn't sound entirely convinced. "But I'm going to have a little chat with him when he gets back from…wherever he's at," Caia sighed.

She started walking down the hall in the opposite direction. James watched her and hesitated for a moment. "Caia?" He called.

She turned around and James hurried up to her. He pondered his words for a moment and then spoke.

"Sometimes…people have legitimate reasons. For lying, that is. He doesn't want to hurt you, Caia."

Caia stared into James's eyes, her glasses shimmering in the dim light of the corridor, trying to pull from him any clue of information she could. 

"I know. Thank you," she replied and started walking down the hall.


	5. Anger and Advice

****

Chapter 5

Remus didn't return to classes that day, nor most of the next day. He did, however, appear in the nearly empty common room between classes two days later, pale and shaken as usual.

"Hey, wolf boy!" Called Sirius, the only person in the common room, found yet again catching up on some late homework. "You're back!" 

Remus rolled his eyes and yawned. "Oh, shut up." He dropped into a chair.

Sirius looked him over and grinned. "Man, that was pretty cool that night, wasn't it?"

"What?" Remus asked incredulously.

"I mean, you tried to eat Peter—it was pretty funny. But me an' James sort of had to wrestle you off him…and then we went out onto the grounds and into the forest…then back up to the shack. It was insane." Sirius was grinning.

Remus glared at him. "Well, I'm glad _you _had fun."

Sirius bit his lip and gave an awkward smile. "Sorry. Well, when you changed back, we all thought you were dead. I don't know what you remember, but—"

"I _do _remember lying there, actually. On the floor like that. But in between I don't remember anything until I heard the door slam," Remus recalled.

"Yeah…well, Peter started freaking out, and me and James thought you were dead too for a minute, but then you started breathing again…and James got all mad and was saying we couldn't just leave you on the floor, so we moved you onto the four-poster. But we had to leave before Madam Pomfrey came back, and we started to, but then we heard you yelling. And we came back and you were real sick…" Sirius shrugged, closing his Potions book. 

Remus was staring at Sirius not knowing what to say. He just shook his head. "Funny. I don't remember any of that."

Sirius nodded. "Madam Pomfrey almost caught us, but we got out of her way before she came up the stairs."

Remus gazed into the fire. 

"I don't know how you do it every month, Remus," he said sincerely, tossing a rolled up piece of parchment into the fire. "I'd probably try to kill myself."

"Yeah, probably." Remus said monotonously, before he realized what he was saying.

Sirius stared. 

Remus gathered up his things and tried to change the topic. "Come on, we've got Transfiguration next."

Sirius and Remus appeared in Professor McGonagall's classroom and sunk into seats near Peter and James, who waved. The class was loud and rowdy. Professor McGonagall stood up and slammed a book down on her desk. The noise immediately subsided. She gave a wry smile.

"Thank you. Now today," she gestured toward the blackboard with notes on it, "we will be continuing with our work with changing quaffles into chickens. You all know what to do. I want you to make sure that your chicken is not _red_." She was glaring at Peter, who shrank in his seat. "This spell must be done very accurately, or it will not work. You may use your notes. Quaffles are in the cupboard. I want them _returned_." People started standing up and taking quaffles out of the cupboard. Sirius, James, Peter, and Remus all gathered around the same table.

"So…how exactly does it work?" Asked Remus, having been out the last class.

"Oh, it's pretty easy. Just watch, you'll get the hang of it," James explained. He rolled up his sleeves and raised his wand over the quaffle.

"Penna Pulla!" He muttered, waving his wand in a complex motion. The quaffle instantly turned into a chicken, which began clucking around on the desk. Several people laughed. 

"See?" Said James, holding the chicken back so it wouldn't jump off the table. "Proximo Formo," he said casually, and the chicken returned to a quaffle. "Here, try."

He tossed Remus the quaffle, who put it down on the table and raised his wand. "Ah, all right. Like this?" He waved his wand. "Penna Pulla!"

The result wasn't quite a chicken, but it certainly wasn't a quaffle. It was a gigantic, red, bouncing ball covered in scarlet fathers, with a short fat scarlet chicken head protruding from the front. The meter-long semi-chicken gave a squawk. Sirius, Peter and James burst out laughing. People from other tables were looking over to see what the commotion was. Laughter rang throughout the classroom. Even Remus, wand in his hand, was grinning apologetically.

Professor McGonagall looked up from her desk, and rolled her eyes. "Yes, yes, this is all _terribly _funny," she sighed, although there was a faint smile on her lips, "Mr. Pettigrew?"

"No, I swear, it wasn't me this time!" Peter exclaimed.

There was more laughter. 

"No, it was me. Sorry, Professor," Remus explained, though still grinning.

"Okay, everyone, back to work, really, all this commotion…" She was mumbling, heading over toward Remus's table and examining the huge mutant chicken. She cleared her throat, which may have been hiding a laugh, and muttered something that made a simple quaffle appear on the table. She looked over at Remus, sounding stern, but smiling. "You were out last class, so I will let it go. Just, try to be a bit more careful in the future. Wave your arm like this," she demonstrated, "and make sure that you say the words carefully and slowly."

Remus lifted his wand and did the same. "Penna Pulla!"

His result was a chicken, perfect and white, except for a single red tail feather. 

"Not bad, now keep practicing that…" she said, and swept quickly over to a group of girls who were shrieking over their quaffle which now had a chicken head.

Sirius leaned over and pulled out the red feather. The chicken gave an agonizing squawk and started clucking around the room like a maniac.

Professor McGonagall looked up. "Black, _please, _I don't appreciate—" but she looked down and saw the chicken pecking a hole in her robes. She jabbed her wand at it angrily, and in a puff of pink smoke it was a quaffle again. She sighed. "Five points from Gryffindor. I don't think I'll be doing chickens again for some time. Black, can you just _sit_ and do the lesson?"

"Sorry, Professor McGonagall," he said, snickering. As soon as her back was turned, Sirius made a face at her. A few people stifled laughs.

She didn't turn around. "I don't want to know what it is this time, Black…"

They spent the rest of the class switching back and forth with the quaffle. 

"Oh, I've got something to tell you," James directed at Remus, as Peter was restraining his chicken. 

"What?"

"Well, I talked to Caia the other day—"

"You _what_?"

"Well actually, she talked to _me. _But that's beside the point. Remus, she's on to you," James said, the last few words in an undertone, although he couldn't possibly be heard over the clamor of the classroom. 

Remus was simply staring blankly at him.

"She doesn't know anything yet," James explained quickly, "But I have a bad feeling she will. Soon. She's really suspicious. She owled your mother, wishing her well. She's going to seek you out. She knows you're lying."

Remus blinked and stared around hopelessly. "Ah…all right, no big deal…I'll tell her…that was my stepmother?"

"She knows your parents aren't divorced," Sirius pointed out.

"I know…ah…right. Oh, I have to think of something to tell her!"

"I think you've lied to her enough. You're going to have to do something else if you want her to stay with you," James said suddenly, sounding like Professor McGonagall. 

"Like tell her the truth?" Remus snapped. "It's just a little white lie."

"But a lot of them add up," James pointed out. Professor McGonagall waved a hand to dismiss the class as the bell rang.

Remus was bright pink. "Fine. I don't care. It's not up to you." 

"You know, Remus, you're right," James said in a strange tone that was rarely heard from his mouth. "It's not up to me."

There was a pause, and then,

"Then SHUT UP, okay? Just stop it! You think you're great just because you don't have any problems! But other people have problems! And they don't always want _you _to solve them! Can't you just leave things as they are?" Remus was exclaiming quietly, in a voice that was very unlike him.

James was staring at him, openmouthed, and then started shoving books angrily into his bag. "You need to loosen up a little! And you know what, I don't care if she finds out! I hope she does! Then maybe you'll come to your senses!" 

But Remus was already heading for the door.


	6. A Final Letter

****

Chapter 6

Remus was one of the few people who returned to the common room after History of Magic. He didn't speak to anyone throughout that entire class. There was still twenty minutes until their next class and most people seemed to be taking advantage of the nice day outdoors. But he himself didn't feel much like going outside to socialize.

The common room was peppered with only a few Gryffindors, a small group of first and second years playing wizard chess in the corner, two sixth year girls talking and laughing, and a few random slackers catching up on some much needed homework. 

He suddenly noticed Lily sitting in a chair near the fire, reading. She looked up at Remus as he came in, but Remus averted his eyes and sat down in a chair on the other side of the room and began sorting through a stack of parchment. Lily walked over and sat down beside him, the last thing he wanted. 

"Hi," she said, smiling. When he didn't acknowledge her presence, she frowned. "Are you all right?"

He reluctantly looked up at her. "Oh, _splendid," _he said with an air of sarcasm, but then sighed and shuffled around. "Sorry, just tired, I guess."

Lily closed her book and leaned over toward him. "I know James feels really bad about what he said to you."

Remus didn't look up.

"And," she pressed on, pulling a small envelope from her pocket, "Caia asked me to give you this."

Remus looked up immediately, raised an eyebrow, and slowly took the envelope from Lily's hand. He stared at her. 

"I didn't read it, I swear. It's still sealed," Lily assured him.

Remus nodded. "Thank you."

Lily turned back to her book. Remus hesitated, and opened the envelope.

__

My Dear Remus-

I know that something is wrong, yet you refuse to tell me. I know you haven't been visiting you're sick mother; I've written her get well letters and she said she was not ill. You're friends seem to know, although they won't tell me a thing, and I respect that. But I truly wish you could tell me—I thought we could tell each other anything. But if you insist on lying, I don't think it is a good idea that we stay together. Meet me at the end of the third floor west corridor at midnight tonight if you will consent to come. 

All my love,

Caia

__

Sitting there in unblinking disbelief, Remus swallowed and put the note into his pocket. What was he to do?

Right on cue, Sirius stormed into the common room, arguing loudly with Peter.

"If you hadn't been so careless—"

"But, Sirius, I just—"

"I don't believe you!"

"Come on, it was an—"

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!" Sirius bellowed. Several people were staring at the two of them.

Lily looked up, frowning. "Really, what is this all about?" She said angrily. Sirius had his arm wrapped in the hem of his robes, still glowering furiously down at Peter, who was mouthing noiseless apologies. Sirius stood near Lily and Remus, and Peter, whimpering with fear, hurried up to the dormitory. 

"What happened?" Asked Remus, staring at him. Sirius grimaced, cradling his arm in his robes. 

"Peter was practicing disarming in the hallway, but I think he—took it literally." Sirius grinned, although something in his eyes made him look almost ready to cry. But Sirius never cried, Remus knew.

"What do you mean?"

Sirius unwrapped his arm slowly; revealing a long, deep, purple gash on his forearm. He wrapped it quickly back up in his robes and sat down in a nearby chair, still breathing hard from yelling at Peter.

"Ew…Oh, wow, Sirius—does it hurt?" Lily asked, biting her lip and wincing. 

Sirius gave a low, bitter laugh. "Like hell."

"I think this might be one of those things you should go to Madam Pomfrey for," Remus said, Lily nodding at his side. 

"Are you kidding? She'd kill me—we weren't supposed to be practicing in the halls anyway, you know—I'd probably just end up with a trillion points from Gryffindor and a detention for every day of the year."

"She never asks too many questions," Remus assured him. "Besides, it might be a whole lot worse if you _don't _go."

Sirius looked toward the portrait hole, and finally stood up. "All right, but I don't want to miss Defense Against the Dark Arts. Don't wait up for me, I'll meet you down there."

Sirius headed out of the common room, clutching his mutilated arm to his chest with his robes. 

Remus glanced at Lily and she gave a little snort of laughter, and muttered to herself: "Boys."

Peter opened the door and came back down into the common room. "Is he gone?"

"He's gone. He went to the hospital wing. Peter, what on Earth did you think you were doing?" Remus asked. 

Peter looked around frantically. "It was an accident! I didn't mean to!"

"We'd better go, now," Lily said. "Double Defense Against the Dark Arts, with Hufflepuff next."

Lily, Peter, and Remus headed down to Defense Against the Dark Arts together, the class being taught by Professor Phelan. Phelan was a tall, fat, Irish man with a red moustache and always wore the same, black, dragon hide boots. He was good-humored and friendly, although quite strict when it came to rules and work—if not incredibly bright. Peter opened the door and the three slouched into their chairs in the classroom that was already full, and Professor Phelan was already talking. Remus glanced at Caia, who did not smile. 

Professor Phelan looked up. "You're late, you t'ree," he commented, "five points from Gryffindor."

Peter groaned and made a face but Phelan took no notice.

Phelan began to talk.

"Now where were we? Ah, yes, we were discussing Galrhema. Now," he continued, 'Galrhema' is a very powerful but short and difficult repulsion spell. It creates a temporary force field around the producer of deh spell, and most dark magical creatures would 'ave to stay at least twenty meters from deh witch or weezard. But it only works for five minutes. Dis is quite useful for Red Caps and Grindylows, and several odder magical creatures. I will demonstrate." He glanced over at the grindylow tank and raised his wand over his own head. "Watch yer 'eads."

Remus raised an eyebrow apprehensively, and Lily raised her hand. Professor Phelan lowered his wand.

"Yes, Miss Evans?"

"Sir," Lily began, hoping Phelan would come to his senses but not wanting to say anything aloud, "er…is Galrhema also useful on, oh, I don't know… banshees, or vampires, or werewolves?" 

Phelan peered at her, and then glanced at Remus. "Yes. Quite useful." He furrowed his red brow, and shuffled around his desk for a moment. "Would someone please take this note to Professor McGonagall?" He looked up at the class. "Yes, thank you, Mr. Lupin."

Phelan handed Remus the small bit of folded parchment and he headed for the door, mouthing the words "thank you" to Lily. Despite his best attempts not to, his curiosity got the better of him, and he opened it. 

__

Minerva— please keep Mr. Lupin busy for ten minutes or so, we will be practicing Galrhema. Thank you. –Skelley

Remus grinned to himself, having learned that Professor Phelan's first name was Skelley. But nevertheless he was incredibly grateful.

He reached Professor McGonagall's office and knocked on the door.

She didn't have a class. She looked up at Remus from her paperwork.

"Can I help you?"

"Er…yes, Professor Phelan asked me to give you this note," he explained, handing it to her.

She glanced over it and looked back up at Remus, almost smiling. "Did you read—"

"No!" Remus cut her off. He blinked. "I mean, well, yes. Sorry, Professor."

"That's all right. I assumed you would have, anyway. Here," she handed Remus a stack of envelopes, "you can address these for me."

Remus shrugged and sat down with a quill, beginning to address the envelopes from a list. They seemed to be packed with notices, permission forms, and miscellaneous papers from the school.

__

"Mr. and Mrs. Hawthorne, Mr. and Mrs. Lovegood, Mr. and Mrs. Litella, Mr. and Mrs. Pettigrew," Remus ran over the names in his head as he wrote them down. 

He worked for a while until Professor McGonagall dismissed him. 

Reentering the classroom, he sat down beside Peter and Lily, noticing that Sirius was still nowhere to be seen. Phelan was standing at the front of the room, talking, again.

Remus suddenly felt as though someone were staring at him. He turned to the side and glanced at James, who blinked apathetically and turned back to his notes. 


	7. Night of Friendship

****

Chapter 7: Night of Friendship

"Back so soon?" Remus said as Sirius stormed into the dormitory with James that night. Sirius had his arm bound with a hairy black bandage, and rolled his eyes. James immediately immersed himself in a book without a word. 

"Honestly, that flake wanted me to stay the _night! _But of course I talked her out of it—I wasn't about to stay in that dung hole one second longer than I had to." 

Remus would have laughed, if he hadn't had other things on his mind. 

When the four went to bed, Remus set his alarm clock for eleven-thirty, and placed it underneath his pillow. It took some effort, but eventually he managed to drift off into another uneasy sleep.

Remus woke in the middle of the night. He looked at his clock beneath his pillow, that read eleven-twenty. He turned off the alarm, owing to the fact that he was already awake, but didn't get out of bed just yet. He lay still. He heard whispers.

"You should have seen what Wormtail did to me—"

"Well, he's always been a little accident prone, you should let him off the hook a little."

"I know, but still…."

"What's Remus's problem lately?"

Remus flinched at his own name.

"I don't know—I think he's uptight about Caia."

"That's for sure! Did you hear what he said in Transfiguration?"

"I was there. But you should really give him a break, I mean, he's been through a lot lately—"

"I guess. I don't—"

"Shh! Did you hear that?"

Remus had just sat up in his bed, causing some of the bedsprings to make horrible noises. 

"Okay, get some sleep."

"Night."

Remus got out of his bed, not caring if anyone heard him. He pulled on his robe, and hurried out of the dormitory.

He arrived in the third floor corridor earlier than Caia. He sat against the wall, rereading the note in his hand, wondering what to do.

Just then, he heard someone moving in the distance. Remus stood abruptly to see Caia moving toward him.

"Glad you could make it," she said quietly.

Remus swallowed. "You too."

They began to walk slowly down the corridor. 

"I know you've been lying," Caia said suddenly. 

Remus nodded. "You're right. I have."

"But _why _Remus?" She pleaded. "What could possibly be so bad?"

Remus stopped in his tracks, his mind resolute. He turned to her, slowly inhaling.

"I'm going to tell you, but you need to promise you won't tell anyone. Please, promise me now."

Caia frowned but nodded. "All right. I promise."

Remus had his hands behind his back, and was shifting his weight from foot to foot. "You remember when you saw them—James, Sirius, and Peter—in the hospital wing. I don't know what they told you, but they were there visiting me. You probably already knew that."

Caia was staring at Remus, unblinking.

"And you remember when we did boggarts earlier this year. It wasn't a crystal ball. It was the moon.

"And you know I made up stories so that I could be gone for a few days each month. And Professor Phelan didn't really need to send a note to McGonagall while we practiced Galrhema. He did that on my account. And well…I think you can work the rest of the details out."

Remus averted his gaze. Caia had her hand over her mouth and tears in her eyes. 

"Oh, Remus," she whispered, but didn't move. He wanted her to fling her arms around him. He wanted her to say everything was okay. He wanted everything to _be _okay. But it wasn't. He could see it in her eyes.

"I'm sorry…I…" she said softly. There was a pause, where she stared into his eyes. He lowered his own. And with those last, fatal words, she scampered down the hallway in the opposite direction. 

Remus stretched out his arm, in a futile attempt to stop her. But it was no use.

Numbly, he headed back into his dormitory, at first trying to be quiet and then not caring. He paced around the room, furious both at Caia and with himself. But what he was most angry about was that she hadn't left him for who he was—she had left him for _what _he was. 

Remus didn't realize that he had tears in his eyes until he felt one run down his face. He took deep, quiet breaths, trying to calm himself, not wanting to humiliate himself in front of his friends. Remus never cried. He was always the calm and composed one. The model student. The prefect. But it was hardly any use. The pain of Caia's unintended prejudice had been so excruciating for him that he felt as though he would choke to death.

James peered out from behind his curtain. He immediately seemed to forget that he and Remus weren't speaking. He climbed out of bed and approached Remus, startled. Remus wiped them furiously away, both angry and confused. He wished James would look away. 

"Moony?" James asked. But Remus stood rigid, his back to James. Finally he spoke, in an almost deadly whisper.

__

"I took your advice."

"You—what?" James cocked his head and stared at him. 

"I TOOK YOUR ADVICE!" Remus bellowed, whirling around and acting entirely out of character. James jumped backwards and nearly fell over in shock. Sirius and Peter peered out sleepily from behind their curtains. 

"Wha—what's going on?" Sirius yawned, blinking in the light. Peter held a finger to his lips and was pointing frantically at the door. 

Remus, however, didn't continue to yell. On the contrary, he suddenly seemed entirely worn out. He collapsed into a chair, his forehead in his hand. He gritted his teeth painfully.

Sirius, sitting on the edge of his bed, shrugged and adjusted his arm.

"Like I always say. Can't trust Hufflepuffs," he said simply. 

They began to laugh. James threw a pillow hard at Sirius, who fell backward onto his four-poster. 

Sirius appeared from behind the bed and chucked a pillow at Remus. It hit him on the side of the face. Startled, he looked up and glanced at Sirius, who grinned at him. With a quick snap he had transformed into an enormous black dog, which bounded toward Remus and knocked him off his chair. 

"Gahh!!!" Remus shoved a pillow in the dog's face before rolling over so Sirius flipped sideways off his chest. James leapt up from smothering Peter with a pillow to help Remus tackle Sirius. 

As the four began an early morning spontaneous pillow fight, Remus realized that it didn't matter if he wasn't with Caia.

He'd have his friends forever. 


End file.
